Folks, golf has a scandal. And no, it’s not Tiger Woods’ driving, Phil Mickelson’s betting slip, or Rory McIlroy crying in the locker room. This week, the sport’s biggest crisis was… Paige Spiranac’s outfit.

Yes — Paige, the former pro golfer turned social media superstar, walked onto a course in an all-white, form-fitting look. And immediately, golf traditionalists lost their collective khakis. If golf had a dress code police, she wouldn’t just be on their radar — she’d be on the FBI’s “Most Wanted: Tank Tops” list. 

Some fans cheered, while others clutched their pearls so hard Augusta’s azaleas filed a restraining order. [applause] One commenter even wrote: “Back in my day, women wore ankle-length skirts on the links.” Yeah, and back in your day, people thought smoking menthols counted as cardio.

Let’s get real: Paige has millions of followers on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. She gives golf tips, makes jokes, and yes — she dresses like a human being in the 21st century. Meanwhile, the loudest complainers are men whose idea of “golf fashion” is socks and sandals with a beer belly accessory. [audience cheers]

Now, the controversy kicked off when Paige posted a photo in that white outfit with the caption, “Afternoon or morning round of golf?” Totally harmless. But within minutes, Golf Twitter looked like a Civil War reenactment. On one side: “Let her live!” On the other: “Won’t someone please think of the khakis!”

At the Happy Gilmore 2 premiere — yes, the event where all serious golf fashion debates should be held — Paige said: “My message is always do what you want, wear what you want.” Translation: she’s basically the Rosa Parks of yoga pants. [roaring laughter]

But let’s keep perspective: Paige isn’t on tour. She’s not taking someone’s tee time. She’s not competing for FedEx Cup points. She’s just existing, posting, and making more money in a week than most golfers see in a season. Honestly, she’s the only golfer who could miss the cut and still trend on TikTok. [applause]

And the hypocrisy? Off the charts. John Daly has been strutting onto courses for decades looking like a slot machine exploded on his pants, and nobody bats an eye. But Paige wears something flattering, and suddenly it’s Defcon 1 for the PGA Fashion Patrol. [laughter]

So here’s my hot take: golf needs to stop freaking out about Paige Spiranac’s wardrobe and start freaking out about keeping fans under 40 awake during four-hour broadcasts. [cheers]

Because whether you love her or clutch your monogrammed pearls every time she posts, here’s the truth: Paige Spiranac has done more to make golf interesting than a thousand PGA press conferences combined.

So, if her outfit scares you that much? Don’t worry. You can always look away… at your scorecard. And trust me, that’s way more embarrassing. [big laugh + applause]